The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler

Available: Girlfriend, Slightly Used

Posted on | January 23, 2014 | 97 Comments

Wombat featured this story in his “Live at Five” roundup this morning: Pop starlet Selena Gomez, 21, is on the rebound, looking for a new boyfriend after being dumped by Justin Bieber:

“I actually talked to Katy Perry about guys who are intimidated by strong girls. I haven’t found someone yet who could understand my lifestyle, support it, love me through it, and not be threatened by it,” Gomez says. “It’s hard. I do think I might scare some guys, because I’m like, ‘I want to change the world! I have dreams! What do you want to do?’ But I only know how to be me.”

My Army son is 21 and single. Girls don’t scare him. He might be able to understand Selena’s lifestyle and uh, love her through it.

My son is trained to jump out of planes and kill people, so obviously he is not “intimidated by strong girls,” but I’m not sure that’s really what Selena’s problem is.

Does anyone believe that Justin Bieber — not exactly an unsuccessful person — was “intimidated” and “threatened” by Selena?

No, I figure it this way: Justin Bieber isn’t hurting for female companionship and can get plenty of girls as hot as, or hotter than, Selena Gomez. From his perspective, Selena is just another girl who wants to get Bieberized, and he doesn’t have to compromise or put up with a lot of “relationship” hassles to get what he wants.

If guys aren’t “intimidated” by Selena Gomez, what’s her problem? The ex-Disney starlet gave us a hint when she canceled her Australian tour and issued a statement saying, “I need to spend some time on myself in order to be the best person I can be.”

Translation: “I’m the Psycho Bitch From Hell.”

This is generally true of any woman who claims that she can’t get a boyfriend because men are “intimidated by strong girls.”

No, sweetheart, you’re the source of your own problems. Projecting your insecurities onto guys and making a sour-grapes rationalization for why they reject you — “He’s too weak to cope with my strength” — may serve as an adequate defense mechanism to protect your fragile ego, but it does not actually explain your problems, nor will it help solve those problems.

If you’re the Psycho Bitch From Hell, the kind of emotionally unstable woman who creates unnecessary drama, any explanation for your lack of a steady boyfriend must begin with you. There are plenty of attractive, high-achieving women who are as successful in their personal relationships as they are in their careers. Why aren’t you one of those women, Selena? Hint: It ain’t Justin Bieber’s fault.

The latest Justin-Selena drama suggests that Justin has his own problems, but that’s typical: Who gets mixed up with the Psycho Bitch From Hell? Crazy guys, that’s who.

Did I mention my Army son is trained to jump out of planes and kill people? That’s the kind high-risk gig that crazy guys naturally go for, but my son’s on-duty risks don’t worry me nearly as much as the danger he’ll get mixed up with the Psycho Bitch From Hell.

If Selena Gomez shows up at Fort Bragg, son, watch out.

UPDATE: Speak of the Devil, Justin Bieber got arrested in Miami for drunk driving, drag racing and resisting arrest. He should plead insanity: “Your honor, my client dated Selena Gomez.”

 

Category: Celebrities

Comments

97 Responses to “Available: Girlfriend, Slightly Used”

  1. richard mcenroe
    January 23rd, 2014 @ 5:27 pm

    that’s the problem. The trailer parks around every military base are jammed to the Airstreams with young and youngish women eager to get themselves a GI dependents’ card…

  2. Nan
    January 23rd, 2014 @ 6:22 pm

    It’s one thing when grown men have minds still in the frat house, it’s another thing when their behavior is still in the frat house.

  3. K-Bob
    January 23rd, 2014 @ 6:57 pm

    The really big news takeaway is that Justin Bieber has girlfriends.

  4. K-Bob
    January 23rd, 2014 @ 6:59 pm

    Men too, evidently.

  5. rustypaladin
    January 23rd, 2014 @ 7:13 pm

    I think, in this case, “Afraid of strong women” probably means “his career is slowly imploding while hers is on the upswing”. Not so sure about the “slowly” either. Why would you even think about hooking you boy up with Selena Gomez when Lindsey Stirling is available?

  6. cmdr358
    January 23rd, 2014 @ 7:37 pm

    THAT!

  7. cmdr358
    January 23rd, 2014 @ 7:39 pm

    Yummy!

  8. Quartermaster
    January 23rd, 2014 @ 8:36 pm

    #feminism

  9. Quartermaster
    January 23rd, 2014 @ 8:38 pm

    Geezer!

  10. Quartermaster
    January 23rd, 2014 @ 8:39 pm

    I think you’d better thin the gruel a bit. He’s obviously getting to be too well fed and sassy.

  11. Quartermaster
    January 23rd, 2014 @ 8:40 pm

    Sailer is scabrous only to those who have trouble with the facts.

  12. Quartermaster
    January 23rd, 2014 @ 8:41 pm

    A retired CWO Pilot friend met his wife when he was in Germany between Vietnam tours.

  13. Quartermaster
    January 23rd, 2014 @ 8:43 pm

    It reeks of projection.

  14. rmnixondeceased
    January 23rd, 2014 @ 9:02 pm

    Who? To me she resembles Annette Funicello …

  15. rmnixondeceased
    January 23rd, 2014 @ 9:04 pm

    Especially crazy cooking in both places it matters IYKWIMAITYD!

  16. rmnixondeceased
    January 23rd, 2014 @ 9:07 pm

    As well as sour grapes and desperation …

  17. rmnixondeceased
    January 23rd, 2014 @ 9:07 pm

    Incestuous …

  18. Wombat_socho
    January 23rd, 2014 @ 9:38 pm

    As graphically illustrated by the great Max Uriarte of Terminal Lance in the epic Revenge of the Dependapotamus. (Very NSFW on account of vile language and other things probably only funny to former enlisted folk.)

  19. Wombat_socho
    January 23rd, 2014 @ 9:39 pm

    Stirling…She’s that gal that plays fiddle, right?

  20. Bob Belvedere
    January 23rd, 2014 @ 9:50 pm

    ‘What’s that smell in this room? Didn’t you notice it, Brick? Didn’t you
    notice a powerful and obnoxious odor of mendacity in this room?’

  21. Bob Belvedere
    January 23rd, 2014 @ 9:51 pm

    She’s more Kirby’s type, methinks.

  22. rustypaladin
    January 23rd, 2014 @ 9:56 pm

    Yep, that’s her

  23. richard mcenroe
    January 23rd, 2014 @ 10:13 pm

    The experience alluded to in item 1.) was clearly so traumatic you blocked the entire verb out of your conscious mind.

  24. Adjoran
    January 24th, 2014 @ 2:29 am

    There’s a YouTube of how she made the video for “Elements” – met the girl who did her hair and make-up in a coffee shop, they shot it that day. Her mom made one of the dresses. Amazing what she (and the producer dude) did with little money to create great effects.

  25. Dustin
    January 24th, 2014 @ 3:58 am

    This is the first time I’ve ever heard of Ms Gomez, but I’m getting used to hearing about ‘ex disney starlets’. I wonder what it is about that experience…

    Anyway, your son looks sharp. You are obviously very proud of him, and with good reason.

  26. tlk244182
    January 24th, 2014 @ 6:11 am

    Waitress sandwich…. And what the hell kind of pinko-fag name is Akira, anyway?

  27. tlk244182
    January 24th, 2014 @ 6:13 am

    The next James Dean?

  28. SDN
    January 24th, 2014 @ 6:14 am

    I’m not going there no matter how cheap you make the tickets…..

  29. SDN
    January 24th, 2014 @ 6:20 am

    It’s a cartoon (anime) character…..

  30. She Killed Three Men for ‘Fun’ : The Other McCain
    January 24th, 2014 @ 8:19 am

    […] first idea was to headline this story “Crazier Than Selena Gomez,” but even an ex-Disney starlet would probably never go as far off the rails as British […]

  31. bridget
    January 24th, 2014 @ 11:01 am

    I’ve dated men who have told me that they find me intimidating. My boyfriend used to say that he felt out of his league. (My response: But you’re nicer, and that is what makes a relationship work.)

    If a man says that he is intimidated, I will take him at his word. But it’s a bit weird to project that onto men who are silent on the subject.

  32. rustypaladin
    January 24th, 2014 @ 1:16 pm

    This is kinda relevant. And cute.

    http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2014/01/24/8-year-old-belieber-open-letter-to-justin-why-did-do-it/

  33. ‘Helpless and Hopeless Creatures’ : The Other McCain
    January 24th, 2014 @ 1:52 pm

    […] about How We Should Live. If you are a parent who doesn’t want your daughters living the Disney Starlet Lifestyle — or if you don’t want your sons performing in “bareback orgy” videos […]

  34. NoPasaran
    January 24th, 2014 @ 3:27 pm

    The question really is: why would any man get out of being involved with that nutty broad? What does she actually bring to the relationship other than being a typical shallow, selfish, attention-seeking American woman?

    Nothing.

  35. NoPasaran
    January 24th, 2014 @ 3:29 pm

    No “afraid of strong women” means she’s cra-cra, and there’s no joy to be found with someone who hates you and is just using you as a prop.

  36. NoPasaran
    January 24th, 2014 @ 3:30 pm

    Actually, if her feelings actually meant anything to her, she’d keep some of it private.

  37. richard mcenroe
    January 24th, 2014 @ 4:34 pm

    Awesome strip and my newest bookmark! Thanks!

  38. La Pucelle
    January 24th, 2014 @ 4:59 pm

    You have my condolences that Selena will not date you.

  39. La Pucelle
    January 24th, 2014 @ 5:00 pm

    PATRIARCHY. Oh wait…

  40. La Pucelle
    January 24th, 2014 @ 5:02 pm

    Japanese gender neutral name. Might be one of those outraged trannies we’ve been getting around here as of late.

  41. La Pucelle
    January 24th, 2014 @ 5:07 pm

    Oh she would be the catch. Her act is incredible.

  42. La Pucelle
    January 24th, 2014 @ 5:10 pm

    I’m starting to wonder about what goes on behind the scenes at these Disney shows, or even the child-acting portion of Hollywood in general. From what I’ve gleaned, it’s a hyper-competitive field with crazy, fame-obsessed parents and less-than savory staff. It’s probably enough to break the mind of any poor kid.

  43. rustypaladin
    January 24th, 2014 @ 6:35 pm

    Not so sure. Their breakup seems to have coincided with Bieber’s decent into drug alcohol induced trouble. If you’ve seen anything about Gomez getting caught dancing on bar tops drunk out of her mind or smoking/snorting/shooting up illegal substances please post a link. While I don’t think she’s a saint I don’t think she’s a bad girl either. Also, she’s avoided being a complete diva somehow after a performance that got screwed up on The View (I think Walters herself described it as amateur hour. Gomez spent about 30 minutes chatting with the audience while the crew fixed themselves). Her response to Lorde’s insults was pretty classy as well.

  44. DeRP’sViews You Can Use 01.24.2014 | Dead Republican Party (DeRP)
    January 25th, 2014 @ 8:09 am

    […] Available: Girlfriend, Slightly Used […]

  45. ZION'S TRUMPET » RSM Sums Up Social Politics for Conservatives
    January 25th, 2014 @ 1:19 pm

    […] expense, about How We Should Live. If you are a parent who doesn’t want your daughters living the Disney Starlet Lifestyle — or if you don’t want your sons performing in “bareback orgy” videos — who is on your […]

  46. Rule 5 Thursday, Selena Gomez Is Single Edition | Blackmailers Don't Shoot
    January 26th, 2014 @ 2:45 am

    […] to any of my single male readers in their early 20s, get on this before RS McCain’s son makes it out to California. Seriously, you could do much worse. Just smile and nod when she talks about her […]

  47. Femghazi
    January 27th, 2014 @ 12:24 pm

    Yea, we love getting a rise out of the most destructive group of ‘victims’ there is!

    I hate feminists!